
In a shocking development, Captain Planet, the famed eco defender of the earth has taken an unexpected hiatus from battling polluters and has instead been devoting all his time to a clandestine bitcoin mining operation.

The Planeteers, Captain Planet's magic ring wearing fan club, were horrified to learn about their leader's apparent dereliction of duty to protecting the Earth's environment. They first realized something was amiss during a fight with their regular rival the famed evil scientist Dr. Blight, who when they came across her was in the process of dumping radioactive acid into a baby seal rehabilitation clinic.

As is usually the case in these situations they were not able to handle Dr. Blight alone, for the jaded boomer was easily able to overcome their plucky teenage optimism with her evil scientific machinations and cynical truths about life. But then in an unexpected move the Planeteers combined the power of their rings to summon reinforcement from Captain Planet who no doubt would have had the capability to routinely send this "bad guy" back to zero. Unfortunately for the Planeteers, the heroic Captain never arrived, forcing them to have to abandon the baby seals to their acidic fates.

It wasn't until after weeks of searching that they discovered the missing Captain deep in a poorly ventilated makeshift server farm in his basement. Drenched in sweat and with couple month's worth of neckbeard growth, Captain planet seemed to not only have abandoned is duty to the planet but any semblance of basic hygiene as well.

"The only thing we could think to do was to stage an intervention". Said Ma-Ti, one of the less popular members of the Planeteers. "We're really worried about him, I mean if he's getting into bitcoin mining what might he be getting into next? Fracking?

Fellow team members Linka and Wheeler had similar reactions. "It was hopeless!" mumbled Linka with a dead look in her eyes. "He didn't listen to reason and Ma-ti's mind control heart ring was basically useless!"

"Yeah!" agreed Wheeler, "I haven't seen an addict this whack since last year when we busted Verminous Skumm's meth lab"

When reporters were finally able to track down Captain Planet for a comment he seemed to have already devolved beyond the ability to form coherent speech. The most he would do was open his gaping mouth wide and emit a long horrible low frequency noise which witnesses say could almost resemble the word "Few" but muffled, as if it was screamed by a thousand humpback whales gasping for air.


SCANDAL! Captain Planet Caught Running Secret Bitcoin Mining Operation


Cryptocurrency hardware wallet manufacturer Cryptonomitech today announced plans for a new hardware wallet incorporating dark magic protection into the security model.

CEO, Derek Deathseer had this to say:

“Other hardware wallets may be sufficient at defending against remote attacks on your personal device, but how is two-factor auth going to defend you against a psychic brain slug or a will-manipulating soul-spell?”

“Unlocking the blood-wallet is simple...” explained Deathseer as he eagerly commenced an unsolicited product demonstration.

“...all you need to do is write your 666 word security phrase onto a piece of parchment made from dried flesh and then pass it through the threshold of a summoning circle drawn in sheep’s blood. After performing the 7 hour nude chanting ritual, the wallet quickly materializes into existence from the extra dimensional enclave. It's then ready to be plugged into your laptop and used for regular transactions”.

When we asked how the company plans to support users who don’t readily have access to sheep’s blood, Derek said that accessibility is very important, and they are confident that the wallet can support blood from any large mammal.

According to reports, Cryptonomitech has been developing the new blood-wallet in secret for some time, rumors about it first circulating last summer when an unusual job posting for a cryptographic necro-witch was discovered etched into the walls of the Vatican catacombs.

Many in the crypto community that have had early access to beta test the new wallet have been raving about it. Investorkitty, a notable twitter personality, described her experience in a recent thread:

"I was a bit skeptical at first. Frankly I didn't even think I would ever have to deal with security threats from dark nether creatures and the UX seemed kind of cumbersome. It kind of sucked trying to unlock it the first time - I messed up part of the incantation and was locked into a void-prison where bone-banshees attacked my exposed limbs for several days. But after a few more tries I got the hang of the process and it felt totally natural. Now I can't even imagine going back to pecking my key into a conventional hardware wallet."

Not all the feedback has been positive, however. Some critics have derided the product as overly paranoid, while others expressed concern that the manufacturer is tampering with shadowy forces that ought not be messed with.

None of that feedback has slowed down Cryptonomitech though, who are going full steam ahead into pre-production. According to a company spokesperson, those wishing to pre-order the new blood-wallet will be able to do so later this summer by by reciting their public key three times backwards at a shooting star.


New Hardware Wallet Adds Extra Security Via Blood Curses And Demonic Hexes


In yet another effort to eliminate distraction and maintain focus on the company objectives, Coinbase CEO, Brian Armstrong, has proposed a new company policy that would disallow all employees from discussing art, music, or expressing more than one human emotion per day.

"We have been extremely pleased by the success of our earlier ban on discussing politics or championing social issues at work but even now we still feel like the employees have been experiencing too much distraction." wrote Brian Armstrong in a company blog post submitted late last Friday night.

"That's why we feel that the best way to keep teammates from feeling disgruntled is by decreasing the amount of emotions that they express".

Several other big tech industry leaders lauded the decision. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg stated "I'm sure I would never have been able to lead facebook to its level of success if I hadn't banned myself from feeling emotions years ago."

Google CEO Sundar Pichai echoed similar sentiments.

"We've been experimenting at Google for some time with limiting all emotional expression to solely performing positive niceties at the beginning of meetings which we feel is the ideal time for customary small talk." he continued. “Our analytics from monitoring over a thousand meetings has shown marked improvement in efficiency”.

Sources have reported that some employees have had trouble adjusting to the stringent new requirements, so to ease the transition Coinbase has added a predefined list of emotions for them to choose from. An leaked excerpt of the list of emotions includes, "**Excited** about the mission", "**Proud** to work at Coinbase", and "**OMG!** look at the price of DOGE".

Armstrong has also recognized that some teammates might not feel fully comfortable with the new directive. He stated that as part of Coinbase’s return to office plans, the free smoothie bar will begin offering emotion suppressing supplements.

“Then they won’t need to feel comfortable.” he stated. “They won’t need to feel anything.”


Brian Armstrong Bans Coinbase Employees From Having Human Emotions


Elon Musk is seemingly at it again. In a near repeat of the cannabis incident that landed him in hot water during his appearance on the Joe Rogan podcast, the Tesla CEO has yet again been trying to participate in illicit drug use on camera. Sources familiar with the incident say Musk was 'out of control' and all too eager to wreak havoc on the production.

"He kept offering a hit to me backstage", said Pete Davidson, one of the regular cast members.

"He would just come up to me with this weird grin and say something like 'How'd you like to go to Mars?'"

Other cast and crew members confirmed similar offers and described Musk as carrying around a custom crack pipe that was diamond encrusted with a Dogecoin logo and an inscription reading: "if found, return to The Technoking, first of his name"

Fan favorite Kate McKinnon also noticed something was off. "He kept talking about Miami, I just kept thinking, man! this guy is really into Miami for some reason." added McKinnon "Ha! I guess I know why now!"

Once the shows producers caught wind of what the eccentric tech CEO was planning, they quickly took steps to put a stop to it. According to sources, they could be seen arguing with Musk during rehearsals, the latter heard shouting: "You can stop me! I have the power of Zeus!"

As of press time, it's still unconfirmed as to whether Elon Musk was actually successful in getting his metaphorical rocks off prior to going on stage for his SNL debut, or if the show runners were successful in talking him out of it. According to an informal survey of viewers of the episode both cases seem equally plausible.


SCOOP! During his SNL appearance, Elon Musk was barely restrained from freebasing cocaine live on camera


An unconventional contrarian, Hunter Avery, a 23 year old recent college graduate, won't be found bragging about the astounding success he's found as an amateur investor in crypto-currency markets even though he's accrued a fat three million dollars. Despite this newfound wealth he's surprised his family and his peers in the crypto community by being adamant that his real passion is the potential that Bitcoin and other cryptos can improve the lives of oppressed and marginalized communities and not about the sick sats he's stacked over the past year.

”Bitcoin is a revolutionary technology that has the power to upset traditional power structures, just look at how it's helping activists in Nigeria organize against police violence” lamely stated Avery, who according to sources doesn't even own one Lambo.

When asked if recent market slowdowns would cause him to reconsider channeling any of the windfalls into charity or other altruistic efforts he simply responded. “I've made 5x returns the last month!" which is admittedly far less than the 20x that could have been expected if he wasn't being such a naive cry baby.

Even more out of character for such a Bitcoin enthusiast, Hunter is also reported to have several dumb thoughts on the environment:

"Some people like to hate on Bitcoin for using so much electricity but they don't understand how its location independence can help drive a clean energy future." said Hunter who likely hadn't even considered that if this dope bull market continues he'd no doubt be able to afford a slick private jet by year's end.

These days Hunter mostly limits his public presence to his social media account, where he discusses useless topics ranging from espousing censorship resistance or how to combat generational wealth inequality, but rarely talks about how the next coin he's watching is going to moon. He also hadn't yet followed cues from others in the industry in modifying their avatars to add lasers coming out of the eyes, nostrils, and nipples.


Featured Stories

SCANDAL! Captain Planet Caught Running Secret Bitcoin Mining Operation

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Brian Armstrong Bans Coinbase Employees From Having Human Emotions

SCOOP! During his SNL appearance, Elon Musk was barely restrained from freebasing cocaine live on camera

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